FWD: [DO-NUT News Digest vol. 123.34] re: re: er: AMERICA RUNS [ON] DUNKIN’

Buried in Time-to-Make-the- Donuts-in-Chief Obama’s State of the Union address was his grand plan to NATIONALIZE our beloved AMERICAN institution DUNKIN’ DONUTS as a means of getting into the donut business!!!! The WHITE HOUSE plans to seize DD from Bain Capital, The Carlyle Group, and Thomas H. Lee Partners through a hostile takeover. Though initial reports indicate that bearer bonds may be exchanged, this is likely a rumor started by the Huffington Post. Speculations are running rampant on “The Hill,” but my guy (Bobby V. from Bobby Vee Fences and Wood , the guy who built my deck? His brother works at ABC-TV, Dallas.) tells me some CongressWoman, who ENJOY’s her job, dreamed the whole thing up on a dare.

The idea of a state-owned Dunkin’ is morally reprehensible, and not to mention a logistical and gastronomical nightmare. Can you imagine the ramifications?…!? My preliminary speculations have led me to believe that the DD menu will include sweeping changes that will include the removal of all donuts, bagels, muffins, and sausage patties that are over 1100 calories; the removal of all iced lattes with WHIPPED topping; the DRASTIC and HEAVILY INCREASED separation of all DD/Baskins’ and Robbins’ combos; and the replacement of all preformed egg patties with fresh, free-range eggs that are cracked to order and prepared to your specifications* AND personal eccentricities. Moving beyond my preliminary speculations, it has also been confirmed** that a new addition will be added to the regular DD value menu: the #13 – a plain stick with a medium “fair trade” coffee with soy milk and no sugar. There is no word yet on the future of Munchkins, though I hope to christ they remain the preferred treat of elementary school in-class parties.

If there is a silver lining to this whole thing, DD will now carry Muscle Milk.
I’m now convinced this tyranny of TYRANTS will never end! PLZ PSS THS ON!!!

-Two Creams, Three Sugars!

*Eggs or whites (which will be available at no extra cost) can be prepared scrambled, over easy, sunny side up, BUT NOT POACHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!$@##!!!!

**I have this part on good authority. I confirmed this with two credible sources. This has been confirmed by both the now deceased Michael Vale and the guy who works the counter at my local DD who I think is named Paneer.

Re: FWD: RE: [rotowire.com] Football: Fwd: TEN YARD FIGHT!!

To ALL pro and college football fans: Ochocinco-in-Chief Obama has UNILATERALLY formed a secret, UNTRACEABLE cabal with NFL commissioner Roger Goodall, the wife of former NFLPA Executive Director Gene Upshaw, and Adam "Pac-Man" Jones. The group is charged with altering the NFL rulebook "by any means necessary."

According to a man I talked to claiming to be ESPN’s John Clayton^*, the rules changes consist of three (“3”) prongs – clock management adjustments and challenge manipulations, field and equipment alterations, and playbook mandates. Clock management adjustments and challenge manipulations include the lengthening of the play clock to 45 seconds and a moratorium on timeouts called with 5 seconds or less on the play clock. Also, plays in which the “TUCK RULE” come into play can no longer be challenged nor officially reviewed by the booth. Field and equipment alterations include instructions to all grounds crews to cut field grass no lower than 2 inches. Plus, the circumference of each goal post will be increased by 18 inches. The playbook mandates mandate that EVERY team include 1 WISHBONE formation-based play and 1 OPTION play in their official team playbooks.^{^}

I, for one, am pretty P.O.’d about these changes. I have a nagging suspicion many other AMERICAns aren’t going to be on-board with these changes to our NATIONAL PASTIME… So I’m calling on every on to meet me at the Heinz Field parking lot before the Steelers home opener on Sept. 12^th to tell Terrell Owens-in-Chief Obama that we say “No!” to his rule changes.^# PLZ FWD: this to your 12 closest American football loving friends!!

-jacklambertfan4eva@hotmail.com

Go Steelers, Go Iron City!

*This impostor could not provide official NFL press credentials upon request.

^Coaches are under no obligation to call these plays, and upon a showing of good cause, may exclude such plays in electronic copies of their playbook.

#These rule changes are scheduled to take effect in 2011 and do not apply to the playoffs.

DON'T MESS WITH TEX-MEX!

TEJAS food lovers UNITE! Self-anointed 3-Michelin Star chef-in-chief Obama wants to issue a semi-formal proclamation REDEFINING TEX-MEX cuisine. It was the Oxford English Dictionary that first defined Tex-Mex cuisine in 1963 as, “foods from South Texas that incorporate a ton of cheese, healthy helpings of beans, and spices to taste.” Now Obama wants to literally piss on this great Tex-Mex tradition. If Obama gets his way, he will remove ANY and ALL references to Tex-Mex cuisine in cookbooks, guidebooks, rest-stop signage etc.

"Prince" Obama plans to issue this hypo-formal proclamation during a culinary presentation and demonstration at Celebrate Texas Week. This is known to Texans all over as the week we come together to eat, drink, and bask in the glory of our SUN BELT PARADISE. The proclamation makes mention of the "rich culinary tradition representing the many cultures of Texas." This is some classic multi-cultural bullspit so allow me to translate - O'beaner is planning to remove any and all Texas from what we've come to know and love as Tex-Mex. This will leave us with nothin' but Mexican "food."* Tex-Mex isn't about slow-cooked moles and dynamic flavor profiles. It's about men challenging each other to eat peppers so hot they could cause INTENSE DISCOMFORT to the eyes, ears, nose, and throat.

Though this is a certifiable NATIONAL TRAGEDY on the level of the XYZ AFFAIR, I do have some good news to report. We are planning a shadow presentation to coincide with Obama's issuing of this total miscarriage of food justice he's calling a "proclamation." I am 98% certain ZZ TOP (!!!) will be headlining our shadow presentation.** They are scheduled to perform both Tres Hombres and Tejas in their entirety, plus do an encore set of hits like "Sleeping Bag," "TV Dinners," and "Pearl Necklace."

Please do your civic duty and write him a letter, affix the stamp to the envelope with a droplet of BBQ SAUCE, address it to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. (cross streets are E. Executive Way and W. Executive Way), and mail the letter from a TEXAS (or TEXAS-SIZED) United States Post Office.

-Tommy Tejas, The Boarder Patrolman

*I contacted BBQ'd Gut Meats in San Antonio and Succulent Pork Cravers in Rio Grande for comment. Both head chefs declined to comment other than to say they were not aware of the proclamation.

**Repeated calls to ZZ Top's booking agent were not answered. Warner Bros. Records was polite enough to inform me that The Top was no longer with their label and that they did not have any forwarding info for them. I did, however, obtain what I believe to be Frank Beard's e-mail address (nonbearedone@fandango.com). I am awaiting a response. We intend to take prompt legal action against them shall they fail to appear.

Re: RE: Re: HTTP:// [TOWAWAY ZONE] FWD: Damning NSA Watchlist Obtained! Patriots Unite!

It’s official – Barack HUSSEIN Obama is a government (soon-to-be) CONVICTED TERRORIST!! While Conservative and values-based Americans have long suspected the terrorist-in-chief Obama to be an islamo-fascist and BIN LADEN sympathizer, we were missing that SMOKING GUN. Fortunately, the Tea Party group Sons of the Children of the Constitution Crafters, LLC launched a widespread, thorough, and deep-impacting investigation into the matter. Finally, on a recent public tour of the White House, Tea Party patriot CAGNEY CRISP pulled the document seen below, an NSA TERRORIST WATCHLIST, off a pile of papers sitting next to the infamous custom-made White House paper shredder, the PULP ANNIHILATOR X600-1.

After numerous attempts to forward the document to ALL the major news outlets and getting REJECTED by every last one (including Mad Money), we have been forced to GO PUBLIC and hit the WORLD WEB with the biggest bombshell since LONG FORM GATE.

In fact, Obama poses a threat so great to our NATION’S children, well-being, and national security that he considered turning HIMSELF in during the 2008 campaign. What kind of mushroom cloud threat is our NATION under when terrorists are turning in their terrorist brethren?!? We also have NO DOUBT that Obama is on the NSA’s no-fly list. However, after filing numerous FOIA requests (at an average rate of 14 a day for SEVERAL months), we were told, “we’ll get back to you” and “please stop calling us.” BUT STOP CALLING WE WILL NOT! The 1st Amendment EXPLICITLY protects my right to make as many phone calls to whomever I want, AT ANY AND ALL HOURS OF THE DAY!!

Please, we need your help. If you “know people,” please have them get in touch with us. We have “BIG PLANS.” Also, forward this to 19 national patriots. It’s up to you – the defenders of CLASSIC AMERICA – to keep our message of hope and faith alive.
-Cagney Crisp, Chairman of the Sons of the Children of the Constitution Crafters, LLC

Re: [CHEAP VIAGRA] FWD: Re: [PROOF OF PURCHASE]: THE END OF LIBERTY (ISLAND) IN AMERICA!!!

The Statue of Liberty is of course one of the most important symbols of American Liberty in the ENTIRE WORLD. Although it is not accessible to the general public, and its True Value is therefore difficult to ascertain, most independent appraisal professionals will tell you that the Statue is EXTREMELY VALUABLE.* However, in a blatant effort to ERODE OUR NATIONAL SPIRIT, GANGBANGER Obama plans to RAISE LIBERTY ISLAND’S ANCHOR and SET IT ADRIFT!!!

Doing this would give rise to two (2), and only two (2), distinct maritime possibilities. First, the Statue could float UPSTREAM into the East River**, where, barring any unforeseen developments, She would almost certainly clear the Brooklyn Bridge, the Manhattan Bridge, the Williamsburg Bridge, the Queensboro Bridge, all three spans of the RFK (formerly Triboro) Bridge including the Hell Gate Bridge, the Harlem Lift Bridge, and the Bronx Kill Crossing, the Bronx-Whitesone Bridge, and the Throgs Neck Bridge. With any luck, she will avoid the Francis R. Buono Memorial (Rikers Island) Bridge entirely.

Maritime Scenario #1

If this were to happen, tens of thousands of PATRIOTIC AMERICANS would almost certainly flock to the River’s Shores. Upon their timely arrival, they would witness the ALMOST IMPOSSIBLY IMPROBABLE spectacle, as Lady Liberty floated MAJESTICALLY upriver and ultimately into the Long Island Sound. The Statue may be visible to onlookers in Long Island and/or Connecticut (although we cannot guarantee this), and MAY EVEN BRIEFLY ENTER Bill Joel’s BLOCK ISLAND SOUND. The precise number of photographs to be taken by on-lookers is difficult to gauge at this juncture (the modern digital SLRs that enable amateur photographers to take upwards of hundreds of millions of photos a minute, and the ever increasing size of flash card storage capabilities, make any attempt at even a conservative estimate impossible and, quite possibly, unlawful).The whole event could give rise to numerous practical difficulties which I am not prepared to describe at this time. But I will say this much -parking is SURE to be a “nightmare" and refreshments WILL be sold at a minimum 350% mark-up.***

Second, the Statue could simply flow out into the bay to become SHAMELESSLY lodged in THE NOTORIOUS SANDY HOOK, leaving Her to be DEVOURED by barnacles, sea creatures, and other harmless CREATURES OF THE SEA.**** Which outcome will ultimately be realized is UNCERTAIN AT THIS TIME.

Maritime Scenario #2

Of course, there are COUNTLESS OTHER POSSIBILITIES, most of which involve the Statue getting caught in THE JET’S STREAM and ending up far out to sea. Under any imaginable scenario, maintaining RADIO CONTACT with Lady Liberty would be NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE, and she would eventually become an OLD SEAFARERS’ LEGEND.*****

PLEASE JOIN US in taking decisive action!!! As incessant attempts to contact the NYPD and Rahm Emmanuel have failed to yield concrete results, we’ve decided to TAKE MATTERS INTO OUR OWN HANDS. We intend to build a NEW & IMPROVED LIBERTY ANCHOR to augment and reinforce the current anchor, although this plan is to remain STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL at this time. And though National Park Service officials have been lukewarm at best (if not OUTRIGHT HOSTILE) in their response to our offer (insisting that the island requires no anchor at this time), and have stated in no uncertain terms that any attempt to bring a GIANT WROUGHT-IRON ANCHOR on to Liberty Island would lead to our prompt arrest and prosecution, we INTEND TO COURAGEOUSLY MOVE FORWARD to defend our nation’s interest. And rest assured, we have also devised a top-secret contingency plan in the event that ETERNAL FLAME EXTINGUISHER Obama succeeds in setting LADY LIBERTY adrift. The plan involves coaxing “Hero of the Hudson” Chesley “SULLY” Sullenberger out of retirement – by ANY MEANS NECESSARY****** to pilot a nonfunctioning replica of a turn-of-the-century tug boat. Few, if any, know the waters that surround Manhattan better than Sullenberger, and we are confident he would be the man to return LADY LIBERTY to her rightful resting place.

JOIN US that we may rescue our GREAT NATION’S VERY SOUL!!!

-An Independent Contractor

*We have made NO effort of ANY KIND to contact any such professionals.

**Most (all) experts agree that this is astronomically unlikely.

***Outside food and beverages will be STRICTLY prohibited.

****Most (all) experts agree that this is astronomically unlikely.

*****Naturally, modern satellite technology would make it easy to pinpoint the exact location of Statue.

******Despite our EXHAUSTIVE search, we do not have a current address, phone number, or e-mail for Sullenberger. Any help on this front would be greatly appreciated.

Obama’s “GREEN” CAR GRAB!!!

OBAMA & PELOSI continue to use the “environment” as an excuse to further their STALINIST agenda to CONFISCATE our money, our guns, and now – our CARS. We have it on GOOD AUTHORITY that these criminals have an ORAL AGREEMENT to seize our cars and make us PAY to make them more “environmentally friendly.”

The plan goes like this. ARMED Federal agents will, upon receipt of your signed & notarized authorization, SEIZE your personal vehicle* and take it to the nearest reputable body shop. THERE, the agents will relay orders for any “qualifying modifications” you may request. For a NOMINAL CHARGE, the fully qualified automotive professionals will be FORCED** to install one or more of the following on your automobile: TINTED WINDSHIELDS & WINDOWS, DECALS, &/or SPOILERS. All detailing jobs will be UNIQUE AND CUSTOM!!! And the available modifications don’t stop at the OUTSIDE of your car! They include the option to install a new stereo with amped-up subwoofer and fully-functioning speakers, leather seating, &/or HYDRAULIC BRAKES. FURTHER options may be available for truck owners - any pick-up trucks used in the ordinary course of the owner's business (or personal) use will be eligible for the tire enlargement procedure required for OFFICIAL MONSTER TRUCK CERTIFICATION!!!

As if THIS weren't enough – here’s the kicker! You will receive a FREE subscription to Car and Driver magazine and a COMPLIMENTARY pair of driving gloves***, which will be delivered to YOUR VERY HOME within 10 business days following the successful completion of any modifications.****

This TYRANNY must end!!! The 4TH AMENDMENT EXPLICTLY protects citizens "against unreasonable searches and seizures of a person’s car or auto." The GLOBAL WARMING HOAX is nothing but a hoax used as a HOAX to STEAL our property & change the way WE THE PEOPLE live our lives! WE must take matters into our own hands and take all Legal & Legitimate steps necessary to defeat this measure - UP TO & INCLUDING writing the occasional letter to our Congressmen!!!

-J.T. Ford, Proud American Truck Owner

*Weekly listeners to Car Talk with Click and Clack on National Public (Housing) Radio MAY, upon presentation of proper documentation and demonstration of financial need, obtain an exemption.

**Body shops will receive payment in the amount of the regionally prevailing market rate, and will retain the right to refuse service at their discretion.

***Gloves come in your choice of three styles: black leather, Gore-Tex, or chain mail - if that's what it takes for the Dog to Bite!!!

****The date of completion of any modifications will be determined by reference to the completion date of such modifications.

Fwd: FWD: Fw: Re: Fwd: A MONUMENTAL Disgrace

“President” OBAMA has NO respect for our Constitution, our Founding Fathers, our Traditions, or our Very Way of Life. Want proof??? He is secretly planning to use pork-ulus money to “modernize” (read: DESTROY) Mt. Rushmore as we know it!!! If you want to keep on living in IGNORANCE, simply delete this message. But if you want to know what’s REALLY HAPPENING to our country, PLEASE READ ON…

OBAMA has instructed the National Park Service to replace Mt. Rushmore, featuring four of our greatest Presidents, with the likenesses of four of his closest cronies – all in the name of making the monument more DIVERSE!!! From left to right, the new memorial will feature Mike Tyson (50-6, 44 KO, 2 NC), Daryl Strawberry (.259/.357/.505, 335 HR, WARP₃ of 69.4, 1983 ROY), Michael Jackson (top-selling album, longest album at #1 on Billboard 200, 28 top ten hits, King of All Pop), & Sterling Sharpe (595 rec. for 8,135 yds. and 65 TD, 5 time Pro Bowl selection, credentialed Sports Broadcaster). Somehow OBAMA thinks these people are more worthy than the FOUNDING FATHERS!!!

The modest granite memorial depicting these four will be located near Keystone, South Dakota. The planned site is about 8.5 miles northwest of the original Mt. Rushmore, which will remain unaltered and in its present location.

I write this as a CONCERNED CITIZEN and a FATHER OF FOUR. I care about the FUTURE of this country, & if you do too, pass this on!!!

PS Oh, and I’m sure it’s just a COINCIDENCE that all four of these people are AFRICAN AMERICANS!!! Yeah, right!

PPS My family is originally from the St. Louis area. I have 2 older sisters and a brother, who is nine months younger than me.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS !!!

I wouldn't think it was possible if I hadn't seen the draft bill with my OWN EYES !!!

A bill is now under consideration in the White House which would FORCE ALL AMERICAN HOMEOWNERS to allow ACORN employees to LIVE with them IN THEIR HOMES !!!

HUSSEIN OBAMA plans to pass a bill in both houses of Congress which would give ACORN "organizers" who can demonstrate financial need the right to FORCE you to allow them to live in YOUR HOME !!! Unlucky victims would be forced to provide a suitable bedroom, access to bathing & bathroom facilities, as well as access to common areas in the house (living room, basement, kitchen, crawlspace, attic, etc.).

In turn, homeowners will be entitled to a monthly payment from their boarders reflecting prevailing rents in the regional rental market, as well as a prorated share of any qualifying food and/or utility expenses. However, under most circumstances, cable and high-speed internet will CONTINUE TO BE THE HOMEOWNER'S SOLE RESPONSIBILITY. Think of the payout this complicated law will give to LIBERAL CPAs & UNIONS !!!

This bill is a NIGHTMARE for honest Americans. We must UNITE to FIGHT THIS BILL !!!

-- An Honest American

ALERT: FWD: FWD: FW: FWD: fwd: RE: Great Big Wheel

Fellow Citizens:

This administration continues to make a MOCKERY of our great nation.

Certified MUSLIM & COMMUNIST OBAMA is now pressuring top Pentagon officials to make funds available to build a Ferris Wheel at Guantanamo Bay for use by the prisoners as a reward for good behavior.

Yes folks, you read that right! A FERRIS WHEEL!!! According to the leaked design plan, the Wheel will stand at 193 ft. (approximately 59 meters), making it the second tallest Wheel in the nation, just behind the Texas Star in Dallas, Texas. The tentative name for the Wheel is the Great Big Wheel.

Not only will the Wheel provide prisoners with the stimulation inherent in experiencing a large, vertical circular motion, but it will ALSO provide breathtaking views of this coastal Caribbean region. But it gets EVEN BETTER – the administration plans to pay for the Wheel by diverting funds dedicated to providing body armor for our Brave Soldiers!!!

Apparently this president would rather spend time, money, & EVEN AMERICAN LIVES to entertain terrorists, when he should be FIGHTING them!!!

Get the word OUT!!!

PLS PASS ON TO 15 PEOPLE

--Nebraska Ned

URGENT: STOP Obama's New Reparations Proposal!!!

Folks, it just doesn't get any CRAZIER than this.

Comrade-in-Chief OBAMA has surreptiously inserted into the new "jobs bill" (read: "WELFARE bill") a clause that would provide black households with FREE, top-of-the line, laser-jet color printers. Who's going to PAY for this??? Yup, you guessed it - the rest of us who actually WORK for a living!!!

If passed, H.R. 1161 §§ A(3)(w) et. seq. would authorize the White House to buy and distribute to EACH AND EVERY "qualifying African-American household" the newest, most lavish, and MOST EXPENSIVE laser-jet color printers. While the choice of the exact model has yet to be determined pending a careful review of the specs and consumer reports, sources indicate that the Dell 3130cn and Lexmark C734dn are the early frontrunners. Both provide good value, extended warranties, and ongoing technical support. But BEWARE - given the scale of this project, there are bound to be delays and logistical problems arising during the delivery process.

So it has come to this!!!?? If it wasn't clear before, it should be clear now - Obama is a BLATANT RACIST!!! Apparently 200 years of fat WELFARE checks aren't enough - we still OWE these people something! I'll say this - my uncle didn't serve in the U.S. Army Signal Corps from 1973-1976 so America could become a SOCIALIST STATE!

OPEN YOUR EYES AMERICA AND STOP THIS BILL!!!

--A True American

From Ben in Memphis - Democrat Party to LEGALIZE CRIME!!!!

Comrade OBAMA has co-sponsored a bill in CONGRESS to LEGALIZE CRIME!!!

Using their typical secretive meetings and back-room deals, OBAMA and the other DEMS in CONGRESS have reached a deal to ram an unprecedented bill down Americans’ throats. If passed, this bill would DESTROY the very fabric of American society. Among other things, this bill would LEGALIZE CRIME (with the limited exception of any criminal offenses specified by state or Federal statute).

THINK about it. This would mean that the convicted CRIMINALS and RAPISTS who put OBAMA in the White House will be able to legally roam the streets, provided they have not been duly prosecuted and incarcerated under Federal or state law. GOD help us if we don't stop this bill.

We MUST STOP THIS BILL!!! Call your Congressman and DEMAND that he stand up against this LIBERAL INSANITY!!!

ALERT: Crooked Dems in Congress To Invent a New Dog!!!

The Gang of Four (Obama, Pelosi & Reed) want to take EVEN MORE of your hard-earned money and waste it on pork, pork, and EVEN MORE PORK. These CROOKS are now trying to spend over $263 million of YOUR MONEY inventing a New Dog. Stop this payout to Democrat cronies!!!

Don’t believe me? Here are the FACTS. The Obama pork-ulus has a hidden section giving HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS of dollars to pay for inventing a New Dog. The scientist doing the research (at Harvard, of course!) gave over $100 million to OBAMA’S campaign. Look it up, it’s all in the bill!

And how are they going to pay for this?? By imposing a new DOG TAX. Every time you buy a dog you will be TAXED – from 1.25% for low-grade dogs increasing to up to 3.75% for the high-end breeds!! (Note: special exemptions are available for seeing-eye dogs, service dogs, and cancer-sniffing dogs – contact your tax professional!)

We REAL AMERICAN PATRIOTS work hard for our money, and we don't need it WASTED on pork-barrel projects like inventing New Dogs. I worked somewhere between 45 and 50 hours a week for a three week stretch last October, though official payroll records do not reflect this. Since then my hours have fluctuated.

CALL YOUR CONGRESSMAN and tell him we don’t need Muslim-in-Chief Obama’s New Dog!!! It’s time to take our country BACK!!!

PLS PASS ON TO 12 FELLOW PATRIOTS!!!