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Tuesday, June 8, 2010


The Statue of Liberty is of course one of the most important symbols of American Liberty in the ENTIRE WORLD. Although it is not accessible to the general public, and its True Value is therefore difficult to ascertain, most independent appraisal professionals will tell you that the Statue is EXTREMELY VALUABLE.* However, in a blatant effort to ERODE OUR NATIONAL SPIRIT, GANGBANGER Obama plans to RAISE LIBERTY ISLAND’S ANCHOR and SET IT ADRIFT!!!

Doing this would give rise to two (2), and only two (2), distinct maritime possibilities. First, the Statue could float UPSTREAM into the East River**, where, barring any unforeseen developments, She would almost certainly clear the Brooklyn Bridge, the Manhattan Bridge, the Williamsburg Bridge, the Queensboro Bridge, all three spans of the RFK (formerly Triboro) Bridge including the Hell Gate Bridge, the Harlem Lift Bridge, and the Bronx Kill Crossing, the Bronx-Whitesone Bridge, and the Throgs Neck Bridge. With any luck, she will avoid the Francis R. Buono Memorial (Rikers Island) Bridge entirely.

Maritime Scenario #1

If this were to happen, tens of thousands of PATRIOTIC AMERICANS would almost certainly flock to the River’s Shores. Upon their timely arrival, they would witness the ALMOST IMPOSSIBLY IMPROBABLE spectacle, as Lady Liberty floated MAJESTICALLY upriver and ultimately into the Long Island Sound. The Statue may be visible to onlookers in Long Island and/or Connecticut (although we cannot guarantee this), and MAY EVEN BRIEFLY ENTER Bill Joel’s BLOCK ISLAND SOUND. The precise number of photographs to be taken by on-lookers is difficult to gauge at this juncture (the modern digital SLRs that enable amateur photographers to take upwards of hundreds of millions of photos a minute, and the ever increasing size of flash card storage capabilities, make any attempt at even a conservative estimate impossible and, quite possibly, unlawful).The whole event could give rise to numerous practical difficulties which I am not prepared to describe at this time. But I will say this much -parking is SURE to be a “nightmare" and refreshments WILL be sold at a minimum 350% mark-up.***

Second, the Statue could simply flow out into the bay to become SHAMELESSLY lodged in THE NOTORIOUS SANDY HOOK, leaving Her to be DEVOURED by barnacles, sea creatures, and other harmless CREATURES OF THE SEA.**** Which outcome will ultimately be realized is UNCERTAIN AT THIS TIME.

Maritime Scenario #2

Of course, there are COUNTLESS OTHER POSSIBILITIES, most of which involve the Statue getting caught in THE JET’S STREAM and ending up far out to sea. Under any imaginable scenario, maintaining RADIO CONTACT with Lady Liberty would be NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE, and she would eventually become an OLD SEAFARERS’ LEGEND.*****

PLEASE JOIN US in taking decisive action!!! As incessant attempts to contact the NYPD and Rahm Emmanuel have failed to yield concrete results, we’ve decided to TAKE MATTERS INTO OUR OWN HANDS. We intend to build a NEW & IMPROVED LIBERTY ANCHOR to augment and reinforce the current anchor, although this plan is to remain STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL at this time. And though National Park Service officials have been lukewarm at best (if not OUTRIGHT HOSTILE) in their response to our offer (insisting that the island requires no anchor at this time), and have stated in no uncertain terms that any attempt to bring a GIANT WROUGHT-IRON ANCHOR on to Liberty Island would lead to our prompt arrest and prosecution, we INTEND TO COURAGEOUSLY MOVE FORWARD to defend our nation’s interest. And rest assured, we have also devised a top-secret contingency plan in the event that ETERNAL FLAME EXTINGUISHER Obama succeeds in setting LADY LIBERTY adrift. The plan involves coaxing “Hero of the Hudson” Chesley “SULLY” Sullenberger out of retirement – by ANY MEANS NECESSARY****** to pilot a nonfunctioning replica of a turn-of-the-century tug boat. Few, if any, know the waters that surround Manhattan better than Sullenberger, and we are confident he would be the man to return LADY LIBERTY to her rightful resting place.

JOIN US that we may rescue our GREAT NATION’S VERY SOUL!!!

-An Independent Contractor

*We have made NO effort of ANY KIND to contact any such professionals.

**Most (all) experts agree that this is astronomically unlikely.

***Outside food and beverages will be STRICTLY prohibited.

****Most (all) experts agree that this is astronomically unlikely.

*****Naturally, modern satellite technology would make it easy to pinpoint the exact location of Statue.

******Despite our EXHAUSTIVE search, we do not have a current address, phone number, or e-mail for Sullenberger. Any help on this front would be greatly appreciated.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Obama’s “GREEN” CAR GRAB!!!

OBAMA & PELOSI continue to use the “environment” as an excuse to further their STALINIST agenda to CONFISCATE our money, our guns, and now – our CARS. We have it on GOOD AUTHORITY that these criminals have an ORAL AGREEMENT to seize our cars and make us PAY to make them more “environmentally friendly.”

The plan goes like this. ARMED Federal agents will, upon receipt of your signed & notarized authorization, SEIZE your personal vehicle* and take it to the nearest reputable body shop. THERE, the agents will relay orders for any “qualifying modifications” you may request. For a NOMINAL CHARGE, the fully qualified automotive professionals will be FORCED** to install one or more of the following on your automobile: TINTED WINDSHIELDS & WINDOWS, DECALS, &/or SPOILERS. All detailing jobs will be UNIQUE AND CUSTOM!!! And the available modifications don’t stop at the OUTSIDE of your car! They include the option to install a new stereo with amped-up subwoofer and fully-functioning speakers, leather seating, &/or HYDRAULIC BRAKES. FURTHER options may be available for truck owners - any pick-up trucks used in the ordinary course of the owner's business (or personal) use will be eligible for the tire enlargement procedure required for OFFICIAL MONSTER TRUCK CERTIFICATION!!!

As if THIS weren't enough – here’s the kicker! You will receive a FREE subscription to Car and Driver magazine and a COMPLIMENTARY pair of driving gloves***, which will be delivered to YOUR VERY HOME within 10 business days following the successful completion of any modifications.****

This TYRANNY must end!!! The 4TH AMENDMENT EXPLICTLY protects citizens "against unreasonable searches and seizures of a person’s car or auto." The GLOBAL WARMING HOAX is nothing but a hoax used as a HOAX to STEAL our property & change the way WE THE PEOPLE live our lives! WE must take matters into our own hands and take all Legal & Legitimate steps necessary to defeat this measure - UP TO & INCLUDING writing the occasional letter to our Congressmen!!!

-J.T. Ford, Proud American Truck Owner

*Weekly listeners to Car Talk with Click and Clack on National Public (Housing) Radio MAY, upon presentation of proper documentation and demonstration of financial need, obtain an exemption.

**Body shops will receive payment in the amount of the regionally prevailing market rate, and will retain the right to refuse service at their discretion.

***Gloves come in your choice of three styles: black leather, Gore-Tex, or chain mail - if that's what it takes for the Dog to Bite!!!

****The date of completion of any modifications will be determined by reference to the completion date of such modifications.