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Tuesday, August 31, 2010

FWD: []: Re: Re: Regarding: DISGUSTING “GREEN” Jjobs Initiative

ATTN: The Obama Administration and those members of Congress have authorized, approved, and sanctioned the use of PRIVATE MONEY for the building of a public golf country club in honor of “Van” Jones, Obama’s former Special Advisor for Green Jobs and reputed snazzy dresser. The yet-to-be-built golf course, which will include a fully-stocked pro shop, driving range and putting green, is part of the SEVERANCE PACKAGE Jones received after resigning for the Obama Administration. A modest and possibly PRIVATE groundbreaking ceremony was held at the proposed northern Virginia site sometime between October 2009 and January 2010. Internet sources confirm that PGA Tour great Calvin Peete was in attendance while Tiger Woods failed to RSVP.

This Rees Jones (no relation) designed course has been described as “treacherous” by several golf commentators. According to someone I talked to on the phone at Rees Jones, Inc. Golf Course Design, the course received a course rating of 76.9.* This UNNAMED SOURCE was also polite enough to fax me a copy of the layout. It is a 7,400 yard par 70. The first hole is a 440 yard par 4. Bunkers line the fairway landing area. Two bunkers guard the front of the green. Number 2 is a 529 yard par 5. It is reachable in two setting up perhaps the only eagle opportunity on the course. Watch the front bunkers guarding the green. Number 3 is a 200 yard par 3. The green slopes back to front. Any balls landing on the left side of the green are likely to roll into the green side bunkers. The 4th is a 446 yard par 4 dogleg left. Players who get pull-happy off the tee may find themselves in one of the many bunkers on the left while a slice could land you in the trees on the right. Bunkers dot the area surrounding the green. Number 5 is a 490 yard par 4. A creek runs through the fairway some 300 yards from the tee. Aim for the center of the green as anything landing on the edges is going to roll off. Number 6 is a 387 yard par 4. A large bunker juts into the fairway making for a tight landing area for those taking driver off the tee. Beware the pot bunker off the front right of the green. Number 7 is a 449 yard par 4. A pond on the right and a row of bunkers on the left make this a difficult but necessary fairway to hit. The green is yet to be designed. Number 8 is a 491 yard par 4. This hole is fairly straightforward: tee it high and let it fly! The close of the front 9 is a devilishly long 257 yard par 3. Better to be short here than long.

There will be a modest snack bar at the turn offering hot dogs, candy bars, and several flavors of Gatorade.

A 462 yard par 4 starts the back 9 followed by a tight 423 yard par 4. Number 12 is the second of two par 5s. Again, bunkers on the left and trees on the right put hitting the fairway at a premium. 593 yards in length a deep bunkers sitting in the front the green making going for two here almost impossible for anyone not named Tiger Woods. Number 13 is a 191 yard par 3. The green is completely surrounded by bunkers and a mound on the right forces any balls landing in that area off the green. 14 is a 501 yard par 4. Length is the challenge on this hole. Number 15 is a 401 yard par 4. There are two bunkers smack dead in the center of the fairway forcing most players to lay up. Number 16 is a 406 yard par 4. A large water hazard comes into play on both the drive and the approach. But overcompensating will get you in trouble as trees line the left-hand side of the fairway and bunkers sit to the right of the green. The 17th is a 238 yard par 3. The huge green slopes front to back. A three putt here is a definitely possibility. And finally, there’s the 18th. This one is “THE BEAST.” To call it the “pièce de résistance” would be wicked. It’s a 498 yard par 4 dogleg right. There are bunkers everywhere and trees on the right that keep you from cutting the corner off the tee. Par here is a tremendous way to end your round.

The 19th hole (we’ve all been there, right!?) will include a tremendous bar and grille. There will be 14 beers on tap, numerous imported and domestic bottles, fine wines, and all manner of burgers to eat. Many delicious salads, including a caesar salad with grilled chicken, will also be available for your dining pleasure.

The course is scheduled for completion SOMETIME IN 2011!!...

“Van” Jones is neither an investor nor will his name be in any way associated with the course. There is no word yet on whether Jones plans on becoming a member nor have I been able to confirm whether Mr. Jones even ENJOYS the pleasures of A GOOD WALK SPOILED!

-The Ball Striker

“My family is my love but golf is my passion!”

-Arnold “Arnie’s Army” Palmer

*Rating contingent upon completion of course construction.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Fwd: FWD: Fw: Re: Fwd: [NO TRESPASSING] The False Prophet

We all know that “Fresh Prince” Obama, Esq., is in love with himself – but now EVEN HE has outdone himself!! Two POORLY PAID, OFF THE BOOKS INTERNS in our MAGINALLY SUCCESSFUL Investigative Journalism Department, whose identities we are not at liberty to disclose at this time, have exposed documents which ARGUABLY OBLIQUELY COMPARE OBAMA TO A (CHRISTIAN) SAINT!!! The implication is PAINFULLY OBVIOUS – Obama considers himself to be a saint, and therefore has instructed the PENTAGON and the SUPREME COURT to take all formal steps necessary for him to SUBMIT AN ELECTRONIC APPLICATION FOR FAST-TRACK BEATIFICATION!! NOT SURPRISINGLY, Pope Benedict’s BEMUSED press secretary has informed us via internal Skype mega-conference that he is not aware of any such application, and that no such process is currently available.

Of course, “Saint” Obama has submitted his application (via certified mail) in order to pad his already ENORMOUS EGO.* But his ultimate motives are ultimately EXCLUSIVELY FINANCIAL. Judging by recent experience, a successful application for accelerated sainthood would entitle him to a modest stipend, a Ph.D. in Strategic Marketing from the University of Phoenix (with a concentration in Inventory Process Control), a commercial drivers’ license (CDL), and a LIFE-TIME FINDERS’ FEE!!! This would be the most blatant violation of the SEPARATION OF POWERS since the DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE!!!

This process, the details of which have yet to be fully hammered out, is likely to begin next November, so as not to interfere with the White House’s Halloween preparations. Encrypted transmissions unlawfully intercepted by our largely unsuccessful Communications Security Department indicate that John Lennon-in-Chief Obama plans to appear as Nicky Santoro (Joe Pesci’s character in Casino). And according to our WILDLY unsuccessful Procedural Controls Department, this can ONLY mean Yoko-in-Chief Michelle will be dressing as Ginger McKenna (Sharon Stone's character in Casino).** This gives us plenty of time to organize a modest and well-mannered GATHERING to PREVENT THIS OUTRAGE. CHECK BACK OFTEN to participate in our upcoming REFRESHMENT REFERENDUM!!!***

*Obama’s check for the $45 sainthood application fee has yet to clear.

**No word yet on who will dress as Billy Sherbert (Don Rickles' character in Casino), but, if you'll allow me to speculate for a sec, my guess is 27-term Congressman from Michigan John Dingell.

***Corona has emerged as the early favorite for the beer selection.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010


TEJAS food lovers UNITE! Self-anointed 3-Michelin Star chef-in-chief Obama wants to issue a semi-formal proclamation REDEFINING TEX-MEX cuisine. It was the Oxford English Dictionary that first defined Tex-Mex cuisine in 1963 as, “foods from South Texas that incorporate a ton of cheese, healthy helpings of beans, and spices to taste.” Now Obama wants to literally piss on this great Tex-Mex tradition. If Obama gets his way, he will remove ANY and ALL references to Tex-Mex cuisine in cookbooks, guidebooks, rest-stop signage etc.

"Prince" Obama plans to issue this hypo-formal proclamation during a culinary presentation and demonstration at Celebrate Texas Week. This is known to Texans all over as the week we come together to eat, drink, and bask in the glory of our SUN BELT PARADISE. The proclamation makes mention of the "rich culinary tradition representing the many cultures of Texas." This is some classic multi-cultural bullspit so allow me to translate - O'beaner is planning to remove any and all Texas from what we've come to know and love as Tex-Mex. This will leave us with nothin' but Mexican "food."* Tex-Mex isn't about slow-cooked moles and dynamic flavor profiles. It's about men challenging each other to eat peppers so hot they could cause INTENSE DISCOMFORT to the eyes, ears, nose, and throat.

Though this is a certifiable NATIONAL TRAGEDY on the level of the XYZ AFFAIR, I do have some good news to report. We are planning a shadow presentation to coincide with Obama's issuing of this total miscarriage of food justice he's calling a "proclamation." I am 98% certain ZZ TOP (!!!) will be headlining our shadow presentation.** They are scheduled to perform both Tres Hombres and Tejas in their entirety, plus do an encore set of hits like "Sleeping Bag," "TV Dinners," and "Pearl Necklace."

Please do your civic duty and write him a letter, affix the stamp to the envelope with a droplet of BBQ SAUCE, address it to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. (cross streets are E. Executive Way and W. Executive Way), and mail the letter from a TEXAS (or TEXAS-SIZED) United States Post Office.

-Tommy Tejas, The Boarder Patrolman

*I contacted BBQ'd Gut Meats in San Antonio and Succulent Pork Cravers in Rio Grande for comment. Both head chefs declined to comment other than to say they were not aware of the proclamation.

**Repeated calls to ZZ Top's booking agent were not answered. Warner Bros. Records was polite enough to inform me that The Top was no longer with their label and that they did not have any forwarding info for them. I did, however, obtain what I believe to be Frank Beard's e-mail address ( I am awaiting a response. We intend to take prompt legal action against them shall they fail to appear.