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Friday, February 18, 2011

FWD: [DO-NUT News Digest vol. 123.34] re: re: er: AMERICA RUNS [ON] DUNKIN’

Buried in Time-to-Make-the- Donuts-in-Chief Obama’s State of the Union address was his grand plan to NATIONALIZE our beloved AMERICAN institution DUNKIN’ DONUTS as a means of getting into the donut business!!!! The WHITE HOUSE plans to seize DD from Bain Capital, The Carlyle Group, and Thomas H. Lee Partners through a hostile takeover. Though initial reports indicate that bearer bonds may be exchanged, this is likely a rumor started by the Huffington Post. Speculations are running rampant on “The Hill,” but my guy (Bobby V. from Bobby Vee Fences and Wood , the guy who built my deck? His brother works at ABC-TV, Dallas.) tells me some CongressWoman, who ENJOY’s her job, dreamed the whole thing up on a dare.

The idea of a state-owned Dunkin’ is morally reprehensible, and not to mention a logistical and gastronomical nightmare. Can you imagine the ramifications?…!? My preliminary speculations have led me to believe that the DD menu will include sweeping changes that will include the removal of all donuts, bagels, muffins, and sausage patties that are over 1100 calories; the removal of all iced lattes with WHIPPED topping; the DRASTIC and HEAVILY INCREASED separation of all DD/Baskins’ and Robbins’ combos; and the replacement of all preformed egg patties with fresh, free-range eggs that are cracked to order and prepared to your specifications* AND personal eccentricities. Moving beyond my preliminary speculations, it has also been confirmed** that a new addition will be added to the regular DD value menu: the #13 – a plain stick with a medium “fair trade” coffee with soy milk and no sugar. There is no word yet on the future of Munchkins, though I hope to christ they remain the preferred treat of elementary school in-class parties.

If there is a silver lining to this whole thing, DD will now carry Muscle Milk.
I’m now convinced this tyranny of TYRANTS will never end! PLZ PSS THS ON!!!

-Two Creams, Three Sugars!

*Eggs or whites (which will be available at no extra cost) can be prepared scrambled, over easy, sunny side up, BUT NOT POACHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!$@##!!!!

**I have this part on good authority. I confirmed this with two credible sources. This has been confirmed by both the now deceased Michael Vale and the guy who works the counter at my local DD who I think is named Paneer.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Re: I'm Back FWD: re :re: Jim has RETURNED!

Jim asked me to post this..... ... . .. ....

Since I’m aware many of you have been Googling “Jim Turner tax problems,” I feel it is incumbent on me to explain my mysterious silence. See, I was fired in March of 2007 from my position as an INDEPENDENT CONTRACTOR after several disagreements (which ranged from physical to violent) with both my bosses and my clients. Recognizing a gaping hole in the internet junk reselling market, I began hitting every tag sale, rummage sale, swap meet, stoop sale, garage sale, Goodwill, thrift shop, Bradlees, and police auction in and around New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Delaware, Georgia, Florida, and Ohio in an effort to find items like cutlery, flatware, cassingles, empty CD jewel cases, slightly worn over coats, galoshes, bolts of fabric, paint cans (anywhere from full to half-empty), and broken table saws. This became quite lucrative. I’ll give you just one example. I was just outside of Croton-on-Hudson, New York not far from Hudson National Golf Course one chilly October afternoon when I spotted what appeared to be a killer tag sale already in progress. I pulled my Ford F-150 to the side of the road to have a look. Low and behold I spot an Ace Frehley Signature Model Les Paul. The guy wanted $11,000 grand for it but I talked him down to $10,500. I then quickly flipped it on Ebay for a COOL $11,000!!!

Between April 2007 and August of 2010, I grossed somewhere between $58,000 and $62,900. As you can imagine, I declared none of the income. I NEVER HAVE AND I NEVER WILL!!. It’s a matter of principal and personal taste and preference…and also cause it’s mine. Somehow the Feds caught wind of this and was I subsequently audited. The I.R.S (or Invasive Rectum Service) decreed that I owed $497.00 in back taxes. This angered me, to say the least, and also nearly wiped me out. My accountant, who also happens to be me, recommended I pay the Feds in order to avoid a POSSIBLE, though highly unlikely (or impossible), JAIL sentence. The Feds hefty thievery resulted in my being unable to make payments on my Ford F-150, which was kinda like the one pictured here but way more badass. The repo man came and tried to repossess it but was ultimately successful. We got into both a literal and figurative fistfight when I attempted to stop him. When the county sheriff showed up, I argued it was unlawful to repossess a vehicle that was currently residing on my private property. No dice. It was a bit of a double whammy, too, as I had some carpet swatches in the back that I was close to selling to a local carpet store. So, long story short……I kinda bottomed out.

So I flew to Antigua, opened a bar, refilled my coffers, and returned to the States.

Thank you and I’m back.

Oh, and I’ve also watched a shit-ton of that show “Pawn Stars” on the History Channel. Chumlee cracks me up. Did you see the one where he bought a hot air balloon?