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Friday, September 3, 2010

Re: FWD: RE: [] Football: Fwd: TEN YARD FIGHT!!

To ALL pro and college football fans: Ochocinco-in-Chief Obama has UNILATERALLY formed a secret, UNTRACEABLE cabal with NFL commissioner Roger Goodall, the wife of former NFLPA Executive Director Gene Upshaw, and Adam "Pac-Man" Jones. The group is charged with altering the NFL rulebook "by any means necessary."

According to a man I talked to claiming to be ESPN’s John Clayton*, the rules changes consist of three (“3”) prongs – clock management adjustments and challenge manipulations, field and equipment alterations, and playbook mandates. Clock management adjustments and challenge manipulations include the lengthening of the play clock to 45 seconds and a moratorium on timeouts called with 5 seconds or less on the play clock. Also, plays in which the “TUCK RULE” come into play can no longer be challenged nor officially reviewed by the booth. Field and equipment alterations include instructions to all grounds crews to cut field grass no lower than 2 inches. Plus, the circumference of each goal post will be increased by 18 inches. The playbook mandates mandate that EVERY team include 1 WISHBONE formation-based play and 1 OPTION play in their official team playbooks.^

I, for one, am pretty P.O.’d about these changes. I have a nagging suspicion many other AMERICAns aren’t going to be on-board with these changes to our NATIONAL PASTIME… So I’m calling on every on to meet me at the Heinz Field parking lot before the Steelers home opener on Sept. 12th to tell Terrell Owens-in-Chief Obama that we say “No!” to his rule changes.# PLZ FWD: this to your 12 closest American football loving friends!!

Go Steelers, Go Iron City!

*This impostor could not provide official NFL press credentials upon request.

^Coaches are under no obligation to call these plays, and upon a showing of good cause, may exclude such plays in electronic copies of their playbook.

#These rule changes are scheduled to take effect in 2011 and do not apply to the playoffs.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

FWD: []: Re: Re: Regarding: DISGUSTING “GREEN” Jjobs Initiative

ATTN: The Obama Administration and those members of Congress have authorized, approved, and sanctioned the use of PRIVATE MONEY for the building of a public golf country club in honor of “Van” Jones, Obama’s former Special Advisor for Green Jobs and reputed snazzy dresser. The yet-to-be-built golf course, which will include a fully-stocked pro shop, driving range and putting green, is part of the SEVERANCE PACKAGE Jones received after resigning for the Obama Administration. A modest and possibly PRIVATE groundbreaking ceremony was held at the proposed northern Virginia site sometime between October 2009 and January 2010. Internet sources confirm that PGA Tour great Calvin Peete was in attendance while Tiger Woods failed to RSVP.

This Rees Jones (no relation) designed course has been described as “treacherous” by several golf commentators. According to someone I talked to on the phone at Rees Jones, Inc. Golf Course Design, the course received a course rating of 76.9.* This UNNAMED SOURCE was also polite enough to fax me a copy of the layout. It is a 7,400 yard par 70. The first hole is a 440 yard par 4. Bunkers line the fairway landing area. Two bunkers guard the front of the green. Number 2 is a 529 yard par 5. It is reachable in two setting up perhaps the only eagle opportunity on the course. Watch the front bunkers guarding the green. Number 3 is a 200 yard par 3. The green slopes back to front. Any balls landing on the left side of the green are likely to roll into the green side bunkers. The 4th is a 446 yard par 4 dogleg left. Players who get pull-happy off the tee may find themselves in one of the many bunkers on the left while a slice could land you in the trees on the right. Bunkers dot the area surrounding the green. Number 5 is a 490 yard par 4. A creek runs through the fairway some 300 yards from the tee. Aim for the center of the green as anything landing on the edges is going to roll off. Number 6 is a 387 yard par 4. A large bunker juts into the fairway making for a tight landing area for those taking driver off the tee. Beware the pot bunker off the front right of the green. Number 7 is a 449 yard par 4. A pond on the right and a row of bunkers on the left make this a difficult but necessary fairway to hit. The green is yet to be designed. Number 8 is a 491 yard par 4. This hole is fairly straightforward: tee it high and let it fly! The close of the front 9 is a devilishly long 257 yard par 3. Better to be short here than long.

There will be a modest snack bar at the turn offering hot dogs, candy bars, and several flavors of Gatorade.

A 462 yard par 4 starts the back 9 followed by a tight 423 yard par 4. Number 12 is the second of two par 5s. Again, bunkers on the left and trees on the right put hitting the fairway at a premium. 593 yards in length a deep bunkers sitting in the front the green making going for two here almost impossible for anyone not named Tiger Woods. Number 13 is a 191 yard par 3. The green is completely surrounded by bunkers and a mound on the right forces any balls landing in that area off the green. 14 is a 501 yard par 4. Length is the challenge on this hole. Number 15 is a 401 yard par 4. There are two bunkers smack dead in the center of the fairway forcing most players to lay up. Number 16 is a 406 yard par 4. A large water hazard comes into play on both the drive and the approach. But overcompensating will get you in trouble as trees line the left-hand side of the fairway and bunkers sit to the right of the green. The 17th is a 238 yard par 3. The huge green slopes front to back. A three putt here is a definitely possibility. And finally, there’s the 18th. This one is “THE BEAST.” To call it the “pièce de résistance” would be wicked. It’s a 498 yard par 4 dogleg right. There are bunkers everywhere and trees on the right that keep you from cutting the corner off the tee. Par here is a tremendous way to end your round.

The 19th hole (we’ve all been there, right!?) will include a tremendous bar and grille. There will be 14 beers on tap, numerous imported and domestic bottles, fine wines, and all manner of burgers to eat. Many delicious salads, including a caesar salad with grilled chicken, will also be available for your dining pleasure.

The course is scheduled for completion SOMETIME IN 2011!!...

“Van” Jones is neither an investor nor will his name be in any way associated with the course. There is no word yet on whether Jones plans on becoming a member nor have I been able to confirm whether Mr. Jones even ENJOYS the pleasures of A GOOD WALK SPOILED!

-The Ball Striker

“My family is my love but golf is my passion!”

-Arnold “Arnie’s Army” Palmer

*Rating contingent upon completion of course construction.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Fwd: FWD: Fw: Re: Fwd: [NO TRESPASSING] The False Prophet

We all know that “Fresh Prince” Obama, Esq., is in love with himself – but now EVEN HE has outdone himself!! Two POORLY PAID, OFF THE BOOKS INTERNS in our MAGINALLY SUCCESSFUL Investigative Journalism Department, whose identities we are not at liberty to disclose at this time, have exposed documents which ARGUABLY OBLIQUELY COMPARE OBAMA TO A (CHRISTIAN) SAINT!!! The implication is PAINFULLY OBVIOUS – Obama considers himself to be a saint, and therefore has instructed the PENTAGON and the SUPREME COURT to take all formal steps necessary for him to SUBMIT AN ELECTRONIC APPLICATION FOR FAST-TRACK BEATIFICATION!! NOT SURPRISINGLY, Pope Benedict’s BEMUSED press secretary has informed us via internal Skype mega-conference that he is not aware of any such application, and that no such process is currently available.

Of course, “Saint” Obama has submitted his application (via certified mail) in order to pad his already ENORMOUS EGO.* But his ultimate motives are ultimately EXCLUSIVELY FINANCIAL. Judging by recent experience, a successful application for accelerated sainthood would entitle him to a modest stipend, a Ph.D. in Strategic Marketing from the University of Phoenix (with a concentration in Inventory Process Control), a commercial drivers’ license (CDL), and a LIFE-TIME FINDERS’ FEE!!! This would be the most blatant violation of the SEPARATION OF POWERS since the DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE!!!

This process, the details of which have yet to be fully hammered out, is likely to begin next November, so as not to interfere with the White House’s Halloween preparations. Encrypted transmissions unlawfully intercepted by our largely unsuccessful Communications Security Department indicate that John Lennon-in-Chief Obama plans to appear as Nicky Santoro (Joe Pesci’s character in Casino). And according to our WILDLY unsuccessful Procedural Controls Department, this can ONLY mean Yoko-in-Chief Michelle will be dressing as Ginger McKenna (Sharon Stone's character in Casino).** This gives us plenty of time to organize a modest and well-mannered GATHERING to PREVENT THIS OUTRAGE. CHECK BACK OFTEN to participate in our upcoming REFRESHMENT REFERENDUM!!!***

*Obama’s check for the $45 sainthood application fee has yet to clear.

**No word yet on who will dress as Billy Sherbert (Don Rickles' character in Casino), but, if you'll allow me to speculate for a sec, my guess is 27-term Congressman from Michigan John Dingell.

***Corona has emerged as the early favorite for the beer selection.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010


TEJAS food lovers UNITE! Self-anointed 3-Michelin Star chef-in-chief Obama wants to issue a semi-formal proclamation REDEFINING TEX-MEX cuisine. It was the Oxford English Dictionary that first defined Tex-Mex cuisine in 1963 as, “foods from South Texas that incorporate a ton of cheese, healthy helpings of beans, and spices to taste.” Now Obama wants to literally piss on this great Tex-Mex tradition. If Obama gets his way, he will remove ANY and ALL references to Tex-Mex cuisine in cookbooks, guidebooks, rest-stop signage etc.

"Prince" Obama plans to issue this hypo-formal proclamation during a culinary presentation and demonstration at Celebrate Texas Week. This is known to Texans all over as the week we come together to eat, drink, and bask in the glory of our SUN BELT PARADISE. The proclamation makes mention of the "rich culinary tradition representing the many cultures of Texas." This is some classic multi-cultural bullspit so allow me to translate - O'beaner is planning to remove any and all Texas from what we've come to know and love as Tex-Mex. This will leave us with nothin' but Mexican "food."* Tex-Mex isn't about slow-cooked moles and dynamic flavor profiles. It's about men challenging each other to eat peppers so hot they could cause INTENSE DISCOMFORT to the eyes, ears, nose, and throat.

Though this is a certifiable NATIONAL TRAGEDY on the level of the XYZ AFFAIR, I do have some good news to report. We are planning a shadow presentation to coincide with Obama's issuing of this total miscarriage of food justice he's calling a "proclamation." I am 98% certain ZZ TOP (!!!) will be headlining our shadow presentation.** They are scheduled to perform both Tres Hombres and Tejas in their entirety, plus do an encore set of hits like "Sleeping Bag," "TV Dinners," and "Pearl Necklace."

Please do your civic duty and write him a letter, affix the stamp to the envelope with a droplet of BBQ SAUCE, address it to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. (cross streets are E. Executive Way and W. Executive Way), and mail the letter from a TEXAS (or TEXAS-SIZED) United States Post Office.

-Tommy Tejas, The Boarder Patrolman

*I contacted BBQ'd Gut Meats in San Antonio and Succulent Pork Cravers in Rio Grande for comment. Both head chefs declined to comment other than to say they were not aware of the proclamation.

**Repeated calls to ZZ Top's booking agent were not answered. Warner Bros. Records was polite enough to inform me that The Top was no longer with their label and that they did not have any forwarding info for them. I did, however, obtain what I believe to be Frank Beard's e-mail address ( I am awaiting a response. We intend to take prompt legal action against them shall they fail to appear.

Friday, July 30, 2010

The Pen is Truly COSTLIER than the Sword!!!

Ayatollah Von Obama is at it again...

Unbeknownst to Congress, the Supreme Court, or local law enforcement agencies, President Obama has just accepted an out of court settlement approving a new “SECRET STIMULUS” (H.R. Bill 2159) to be duly enacted through State & Local legislatures.. All documents relating to the settlement are classified, so no documentation of any kind will be available to the general public for some time. But if he thinks he can fool WE THE PEOPLE, well, he’s got another thing coming!!!

Remember the BRIDGE TO NOWHERE & THE INVISIBLE ZOO in Obama’s last stimulus??? Well this one’s EVEN WORSE! The new law authorizes the creation of a new Federal agency called the OFFICE OF THE INTERIOR to submit a purchase order for A COLLECTOR’S EDITION QUILL PEN!! COMRADE SHEIK OBAMA will likely use this pen to sign UNDESIRABLE LEGISLATION & to pen personal correspondence. WORSE STILL – leaked micro-reports indicate that HUSSEIN OBAMA plans to use the pen to CENSOR PRIVATE CITIZENS’ MAIL!!! Yes folks, you read that right… Obama will use this Pen to follow through with his campaign promise to EDIT OUR LETTERS for spelling, grammar, & style.. It is not clear at this time whether the pen will have ELECTRONIC CAPABILITIES OR any other extraordinary features.

And who has he appointed to run this new AGENCY-TO-NOWHERE??? Yup, who else!!? WARREN MOON. It’ll be just like before - only instead of flicking FIRST DOWNS & INTs to Ernest Givins & Haywood Jeffires, he’ll be SUBMITTING AN ORDER FOR THE PURCHASE OF A QUILL PEN.

How much is this whole boondoggle going to COST?? The administration REFUSES to provide any receipts, account numbers, passwords, OR any other documentation relating to the purchase, & NO OFFICIAL SCORING of the bill is currently available on the CBO website. BUT YOU DO THE MATH. The costs will include the purchase price of the pen, the cost of any related investigative journalism, & the cost of REWRITING THE ENTIRE TAX CODE!!!

And who’s going to pay THE BILL for all this??? WE THE TAXPAYERS. Obama thinks he CAN TREAD ON US & WRITE ALL OVER US. WE THE PEOPLE need to get out the vote this November to DEFEAT THIS BILL!!!!!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

FUNNY - Stupid Liberal Jokes: No. 119!!!

Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Well, after their 11 month bitch session about which bulb is the most energy efficient, it would likely take 1 to hold the ladder, another to screw in the bulb and yet another to "supervise" the operation. But one thing's for sure, the whole affair would be at taxpayer expense.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Re: RE: Re: HTTP:// [TOWAWAY ZONE] FWD: Damning NSA Watchlist Obtained! Patriots Unite!

It’s official – Barack HUSSEIN Obama is a government (soon-to-be) CONVICTED TERRORIST!! While Conservative and values-based Americans have long suspected the terrorist-in-chief Obama to be an islamo-fascist and BIN LADEN sympathizer, we were missing that SMOKING GUN. Fortunately, the Tea Party group Sons of the Children of the Constitution Crafters, LLC launched a widespread, thorough, and deep-impacting investigation into the matter. Finally, on a recent public tour of the White House, Tea Party patriot CAGNEY CRISP pulled the document seen below, an NSA TERRORIST WATCHLIST, off a pile of papers sitting next to the infamous custom-made White House paper shredder, the PULP ANNIHILATOR X600-1.

After numerous attempts to forward the document to ALL the major news outlets and getting REJECTED by every last one (including Mad Money), we have been forced to GO PUBLIC and hit the WORLD WEB with the biggest bombshell since LONG FORM GATE.

In fact, Obama poses a threat so great to our NATION’S children, well-being, and national security that he considered turning HIMSELF in during the 2008 campaign. What kind of mushroom cloud threat is our NATION under when terrorists are turning in their terrorist brethren?!? We also have NO DOUBT that Obama is on the NSA’s no-fly list. However, after filing numerous FOIA requests (at an average rate of 14 a day for SEVERAL months), we were told, “we’ll get back to you” and “please stop calling us.” BUT STOP CALLING WE WILL NOT! The 1st Amendment EXPLICITLY protects my right to make as many phone calls to whomever I want, AT ANY AND ALL HOURS OF THE DAY!!

Please, we need your help. If you “know people,” please have them get in touch with us. We have “BIG PLANS.” Also, forward this to 19 national patriots. It’s up to you – the defenders of CLASSIC AMERICA – to keep our message of hope and faith alive.
-Cagney Crisp, Chairman of the Sons of the Children of the Constitution Crafters, LLC

Tuesday, June 8, 2010


The Statue of Liberty is of course one of the most important symbols of American Liberty in the ENTIRE WORLD. Although it is not accessible to the general public, and its True Value is therefore difficult to ascertain, most independent appraisal professionals will tell you that the Statue is EXTREMELY VALUABLE.* However, in a blatant effort to ERODE OUR NATIONAL SPIRIT, GANGBANGER Obama plans to RAISE LIBERTY ISLAND’S ANCHOR and SET IT ADRIFT!!!

Doing this would give rise to two (2), and only two (2), distinct maritime possibilities. First, the Statue could float UPSTREAM into the East River**, where, barring any unforeseen developments, She would almost certainly clear the Brooklyn Bridge, the Manhattan Bridge, the Williamsburg Bridge, the Queensboro Bridge, all three spans of the RFK (formerly Triboro) Bridge including the Hell Gate Bridge, the Harlem Lift Bridge, and the Bronx Kill Crossing, the Bronx-Whitesone Bridge, and the Throgs Neck Bridge. With any luck, she will avoid the Francis R. Buono Memorial (Rikers Island) Bridge entirely.

Maritime Scenario #1

If this were to happen, tens of thousands of PATRIOTIC AMERICANS would almost certainly flock to the River’s Shores. Upon their timely arrival, they would witness the ALMOST IMPOSSIBLY IMPROBABLE spectacle, as Lady Liberty floated MAJESTICALLY upriver and ultimately into the Long Island Sound. The Statue may be visible to onlookers in Long Island and/or Connecticut (although we cannot guarantee this), and MAY EVEN BRIEFLY ENTER Bill Joel’s BLOCK ISLAND SOUND. The precise number of photographs to be taken by on-lookers is difficult to gauge at this juncture (the modern digital SLRs that enable amateur photographers to take upwards of hundreds of millions of photos a minute, and the ever increasing size of flash card storage capabilities, make any attempt at even a conservative estimate impossible and, quite possibly, unlawful).The whole event could give rise to numerous practical difficulties which I am not prepared to describe at this time. But I will say this much -parking is SURE to be a “nightmare" and refreshments WILL be sold at a minimum 350% mark-up.***

Second, the Statue could simply flow out into the bay to become SHAMELESSLY lodged in THE NOTORIOUS SANDY HOOK, leaving Her to be DEVOURED by barnacles, sea creatures, and other harmless CREATURES OF THE SEA.**** Which outcome will ultimately be realized is UNCERTAIN AT THIS TIME.

Maritime Scenario #2

Of course, there are COUNTLESS OTHER POSSIBILITIES, most of which involve the Statue getting caught in THE JET’S STREAM and ending up far out to sea. Under any imaginable scenario, maintaining RADIO CONTACT with Lady Liberty would be NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE, and she would eventually become an OLD SEAFARERS’ LEGEND.*****

PLEASE JOIN US in taking decisive action!!! As incessant attempts to contact the NYPD and Rahm Emmanuel have failed to yield concrete results, we’ve decided to TAKE MATTERS INTO OUR OWN HANDS. We intend to build a NEW & IMPROVED LIBERTY ANCHOR to augment and reinforce the current anchor, although this plan is to remain STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL at this time. And though National Park Service officials have been lukewarm at best (if not OUTRIGHT HOSTILE) in their response to our offer (insisting that the island requires no anchor at this time), and have stated in no uncertain terms that any attempt to bring a GIANT WROUGHT-IRON ANCHOR on to Liberty Island would lead to our prompt arrest and prosecution, we INTEND TO COURAGEOUSLY MOVE FORWARD to defend our nation’s interest. And rest assured, we have also devised a top-secret contingency plan in the event that ETERNAL FLAME EXTINGUISHER Obama succeeds in setting LADY LIBERTY adrift. The plan involves coaxing “Hero of the Hudson” Chesley “SULLY” Sullenberger out of retirement – by ANY MEANS NECESSARY****** to pilot a nonfunctioning replica of a turn-of-the-century tug boat. Few, if any, know the waters that surround Manhattan better than Sullenberger, and we are confident he would be the man to return LADY LIBERTY to her rightful resting place.

JOIN US that we may rescue our GREAT NATION’S VERY SOUL!!!

-An Independent Contractor

*We have made NO effort of ANY KIND to contact any such professionals.

**Most (all) experts agree that this is astronomically unlikely.

***Outside food and beverages will be STRICTLY prohibited.

****Most (all) experts agree that this is astronomically unlikely.

*****Naturally, modern satellite technology would make it easy to pinpoint the exact location of Statue.

******Despite our EXHAUSTIVE search, we do not have a current address, phone number, or e-mail for Sullenberger. Any help on this front would be greatly appreciated.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Obama’s “GREEN” CAR GRAB!!!

OBAMA & PELOSI continue to use the “environment” as an excuse to further their STALINIST agenda to CONFISCATE our money, our guns, and now – our CARS. We have it on GOOD AUTHORITY that these criminals have an ORAL AGREEMENT to seize our cars and make us PAY to make them more “environmentally friendly.”

The plan goes like this. ARMED Federal agents will, upon receipt of your signed & notarized authorization, SEIZE your personal vehicle* and take it to the nearest reputable body shop. THERE, the agents will relay orders for any “qualifying modifications” you may request. For a NOMINAL CHARGE, the fully qualified automotive professionals will be FORCED** to install one or more of the following on your automobile: TINTED WINDSHIELDS & WINDOWS, DECALS, &/or SPOILERS. All detailing jobs will be UNIQUE AND CUSTOM!!! And the available modifications don’t stop at the OUTSIDE of your car! They include the option to install a new stereo with amped-up subwoofer and fully-functioning speakers, leather seating, &/or HYDRAULIC BRAKES. FURTHER options may be available for truck owners - any pick-up trucks used in the ordinary course of the owner's business (or personal) use will be eligible for the tire enlargement procedure required for OFFICIAL MONSTER TRUCK CERTIFICATION!!!

As if THIS weren't enough – here’s the kicker! You will receive a FREE subscription to Car and Driver magazine and a COMPLIMENTARY pair of driving gloves***, which will be delivered to YOUR VERY HOME within 10 business days following the successful completion of any modifications.****

This TYRANNY must end!!! The 4TH AMENDMENT EXPLICTLY protects citizens "against unreasonable searches and seizures of a person’s car or auto." The GLOBAL WARMING HOAX is nothing but a hoax used as a HOAX to STEAL our property & change the way WE THE PEOPLE live our lives! WE must take matters into our own hands and take all Legal & Legitimate steps necessary to defeat this measure - UP TO & INCLUDING writing the occasional letter to our Congressmen!!!

-J.T. Ford, Proud American Truck Owner

*Weekly listeners to Car Talk with Click and Clack on National Public (Housing) Radio MAY, upon presentation of proper documentation and demonstration of financial need, obtain an exemption.

**Body shops will receive payment in the amount of the regionally prevailing market rate, and will retain the right to refuse service at their discretion.

***Gloves come in your choice of three styles: black leather, Gore-Tex, or chain mail - if that's what it takes for the Dog to Bite!!!

****The date of completion of any modifications will be determined by reference to the completion date of such modifications.

Friday, May 28, 2010


Listen up, folks! It is my sworn & sacred duty as an American citizen to warn you about the MOST EGREGIOUS MISUSE OF PUBLIC FUNDS in the history of the Republic. Accused SOCIALIST & temporary Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, is using your HARD-EARNED DOLLARS to mount a cross-country victory tour of our United States, which is tentatively titled, “Here’s To The Victory of Maoist Medicine: The Pelosi Victory Tour” (hereinafter, the Tour [emphasis mine]) DC Madame Pelosi has chosen to spit on & disgrace our Air Force, military, & men-in-uniform by flying commercial as opposed to using the C-20B or C-37A the Air Force typically provides for her. This is in Swift & Cogent violation of an order issued by President George W. Bush requiring the Speaker of the House be afforded secure government transportation on military aircraft when traveling on official business & personal errands is the most vicious insult to the heroes who died on September 11th, 2001 since the Attacks of 9-11!

Unsubstantiated internet rumors indicate that it is CONFIRMED that Madame Pelosi will fly JetBlue business class from Washington, D.C. to Oakland (a mere 9 miles or so from the Berkeley campus) , check two (2) bags, watch up to two (2) in-flight movies, & enjoy one (1) complimentary non-alcoholic beverage.* Upon her arrival, she will be greeted by the most elite & lavish high-school marching band the Bay Area has to offer – the Foothill High School marching band, the Northern California Band Association WinterGuard Classic champions for 2010. WORST OF ALL, the flight is NON-STOP and, according to flight plans, is scheduled to “briefly enter CANADIAN airspace [!]” (emphasis mine) EVEN WORSE, it’s avoiding any & all parts of REAL AMERICA or, to use an insult this woman herself coined, the “fly-over states.”

As bad as this Tour sounds, the potential impact it will have on our Federal deficit is THE WORST PART. According to the DEMOCRAT-controlled CBO, the Tour will increase the FY2010 Federal deficit by over 50%!!!!** There’s also little question that Madame Speaker & the Dems she holds in her PAID-OFF POCKETS will raise taxes to pay for future “tours.” Soon, every warm-blooded Dem will be flying NON-STOP constantly & without due cause!

WORSE STILL, Madame Speaker plans on capping off her Tour by RANSACKING THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT. Simple COMMON SENSE indicates that she will decline to leave the Monument by the end of normal visiting hours, & MOVE INTO THE MONUMENT’S PENTHOUSE, PERMANENTLY!!! …. Obviously, there is no question that she will use tax dollars to commission NASA to construct and install a high-powered telescope in the Monument Penthouse. This Space Telescope will be based on Hubble Space Telescope technology and will offer her unreasonable views of contiguous United States. This will almost certainly result in her personally trampling portions of our 1st and ALL of our 2nd Amendment rights! (emphasis in the original)

Though numerous internet searches failed to turn up any references to the Tour, THE TOUR WILL GO ON! This is, of course, contingent on Madame Pelosi changing her usual plans and method of travel back to her home district.***

-The “Night” Watchman

* According to a recent search, fares are a NEGLIGIBLE 10-15% lower for Oakland International (IATA code “OAK”) flights than for San Francisco International (IATA code “SFO”) flights.

** This estimate is subject to revision once credible CBO projections become available.

*** After an exhaustive search, we have found NO credible records of any kind to corroborate this account.