DON'T MESS WITH TEX-MEX!

TEJAS food lovers UNITE! Self-anointed 3-Michelin Star chef-in-chief Obama wants to issue a semi-formal proclamation REDEFINING TEX-MEX cuisine. It was the Oxford English Dictionary that first defined Tex-Mex cuisine in 1963 as, “foods from South Texas that incorporate a ton of cheese, healthy helpings of beans, and spices to taste.” Now Obama wants to literally piss on this great Tex-Mex tradition. If Obama gets his way, he will remove ANY and ALL references to Tex-Mex cuisine in cookbooks, guidebooks, rest-stop signage etc.

"Prince" Obama plans to issue this hypo-formal proclamation during a culinary presentation and demonstration at Celebrate Texas Week. This is known to Texans all over as the week we come together to eat, drink, and bask in the glory of our SUN BELT PARADISE. The proclamation makes mention of the "rich culinary tradition representing the many cultures of Texas." This is some classic multi-cultural bullspit so allow me to translate - O'beaner is planning to remove any and all Texas from what we've come to know and love as Tex-Mex. This will leave us with nothin' but Mexican "food."* Tex-Mex isn't about slow-cooked moles and dynamic flavor profiles. It's about men challenging each other to eat peppers so hot they could cause INTENSE DISCOMFORT to the eyes, ears, nose, and throat.

Though this is a certifiable NATIONAL TRAGEDY on the level of the XYZ AFFAIR, I do have some good news to report. We are planning a shadow presentation to coincide with Obama's issuing of this total miscarriage of food justice he's calling a "proclamation." I am 98% certain ZZ TOP (!!!) will be headlining our shadow presentation.** They are scheduled to perform both Tres Hombres and Tejas in their entirety, plus do an encore set of hits like "Sleeping Bag," "TV Dinners," and "Pearl Necklace."

Please do your civic duty and write him a letter, affix the stamp to the envelope with a droplet of BBQ SAUCE, address it to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. (cross streets are E. Executive Way and W. Executive Way), and mail the letter from a TEXAS (or TEXAS-SIZED) United States Post Office.

-Tommy Tejas, The Boarder Patrolman

*I contacted BBQ'd Gut Meats in San Antonio and Succulent Pork Cravers in Rio Grande for comment. Both head chefs declined to comment other than to say they were not aware of the proclamation.

**Repeated calls to ZZ Top's booking agent were not answered. Warner Bros. Records was polite enough to inform me that The Top was no longer with their label and that they did not have any forwarding info for them. I did, however, obtain what I believe to be Frank Beard's e-mail address (nonbearedone@fandango.com). I am awaiting a response. We intend to take prompt legal action against them shall they fail to appear.