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Friday, February 18, 2011

FWD: [DO-NUT News Digest vol. 123.34] re: re: er: AMERICA RUNS [ON] DUNKIN’

Buried in Time-to-Make-the- Donuts-in-Chief Obama’s State of the Union address was his grand plan to NATIONALIZE our beloved AMERICAN institution DUNKIN’ DONUTS as a means of getting into the donut business!!!! The WHITE HOUSE plans to seize DD from Bain Capital, The Carlyle Group, and Thomas H. Lee Partners through a hostile takeover. Though initial reports indicate that bearer bonds may be exchanged, this is likely a rumor started by the Huffington Post. Speculations are running rampant on “The Hill,” but my guy (Bobby V. from Bobby Vee Fences and Wood , the guy who built my deck? His brother works at ABC-TV, Dallas.) tells me some CongressWoman, who ENJOY’s her job, dreamed the whole thing up on a dare.

The idea of a state-owned Dunkin’ is morally reprehensible, and not to mention a logistical and gastronomical nightmare. Can you imagine the ramifications?…!? My preliminary speculations have led me to believe that the DD menu will include sweeping changes that will include the removal of all donuts, bagels, muffins, and sausage patties that are over 1100 calories; the removal of all iced lattes with WHIPPED topping; the DRASTIC and HEAVILY INCREASED separation of all DD/Baskins’ and Robbins’ combos; and the replacement of all preformed egg patties with fresh, free-range eggs that are cracked to order and prepared to your specifications* AND personal eccentricities. Moving beyond my preliminary speculations, it has also been confirmed** that a new addition will be added to the regular DD value menu: the #13 – a plain stick with a medium “fair trade” coffee with soy milk and no sugar. There is no word yet on the future of Munchkins, though I hope to christ they remain the preferred treat of elementary school in-class parties.

If there is a silver lining to this whole thing, DD will now carry Muscle Milk.
I’m now convinced this tyranny of TYRANTS will never end! PLZ PSS THS ON!!!

-Two Creams, Three Sugars!

*Eggs or whites (which will be available at no extra cost) can be prepared scrambled, over easy, sunny side up, BUT NOT POACHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!$@##!!!!

**I have this part on good authority. I confirmed this with two credible sources. This has been confirmed by both the now deceased Michael Vale and the guy who works the counter at my local DD who I think is named Paneer.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Re: I'm Back FWD: re :re: Jim has RETURNED!

Jim asked me to post this..... ... . .. ....

Since I’m aware many of you have been Googling “Jim Turner tax problems,” I feel it is incumbent on me to explain my mysterious silence. See, I was fired in March of 2007 from my position as an INDEPENDENT CONTRACTOR after several disagreements (which ranged from physical to violent) with both my bosses and my clients. Recognizing a gaping hole in the internet junk reselling market, I began hitting every tag sale, rummage sale, swap meet, stoop sale, garage sale, Goodwill, thrift shop, Bradlees, and police auction in and around New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Delaware, Georgia, Florida, and Ohio in an effort to find items like cutlery, flatware, cassingles, empty CD jewel cases, slightly worn over coats, galoshes, bolts of fabric, paint cans (anywhere from full to half-empty), and broken table saws. This became quite lucrative. I’ll give you just one example. I was just outside of Croton-on-Hudson, New York not far from Hudson National Golf Course one chilly October afternoon when I spotted what appeared to be a killer tag sale already in progress. I pulled my Ford F-150 to the side of the road to have a look. Low and behold I spot an Ace Frehley Signature Model Les Paul. The guy wanted $11,000 grand for it but I talked him down to $10,500. I then quickly flipped it on Ebay for a COOL $11,000!!!

Between April 2007 and August of 2010, I grossed somewhere between $58,000 and $62,900. As you can imagine, I declared none of the income. I NEVER HAVE AND I NEVER WILL!!. It’s a matter of principal and personal taste and preference…and also cause it’s mine. Somehow the Feds caught wind of this and was I subsequently audited. The I.R.S (or Invasive Rectum Service) decreed that I owed $497.00 in back taxes. This angered me, to say the least, and also nearly wiped me out. My accountant, who also happens to be me, recommended I pay the Feds in order to avoid a POSSIBLE, though highly unlikely (or impossible), JAIL sentence. The Feds hefty thievery resulted in my being unable to make payments on my Ford F-150, which was kinda like the one pictured here but way more badass. The repo man came and tried to repossess it but was ultimately successful. We got into both a literal and figurative fistfight when I attempted to stop him. When the county sheriff showed up, I argued it was unlawful to repossess a vehicle that was currently residing on my private property. No dice. It was a bit of a double whammy, too, as I had some carpet swatches in the back that I was close to selling to a local carpet store. So, long story short……I kinda bottomed out.

So I flew to Antigua, opened a bar, refilled my coffers, and returned to the States.

Thank you and I’m back.

Oh, and I’ve also watched a shit-ton of that show “Pawn Stars” on the History Channel. Chumlee cracks me up. Did you see the one where he bought a hot air balloon?

Friday, September 3, 2010

Re: FWD: RE: [] Football: Fwd: TEN YARD FIGHT!!

To ALL pro and college football fans: Ochocinco-in-Chief Obama has UNILATERALLY formed a secret, UNTRACEABLE cabal with NFL commissioner Roger Goodall, the wife of former NFLPA Executive Director Gene Upshaw, and Adam "Pac-Man" Jones. The group is charged with altering the NFL rulebook "by any means necessary."

According to a man I talked to claiming to be ESPN’s John Clayton*, the rules changes consist of three (“3”) prongs – clock management adjustments and challenge manipulations, field and equipment alterations, and playbook mandates. Clock management adjustments and challenge manipulations include the lengthening of the play clock to 45 seconds and a moratorium on timeouts called with 5 seconds or less on the play clock. Also, plays in which the “TUCK RULE” come into play can no longer be challenged nor officially reviewed by the booth. Field and equipment alterations include instructions to all grounds crews to cut field grass no lower than 2 inches. Plus, the circumference of each goal post will be increased by 18 inches. The playbook mandates mandate that EVERY team include 1 WISHBONE formation-based play and 1 OPTION play in their official team playbooks.^

I, for one, am pretty P.O.’d about these changes. I have a nagging suspicion many other AMERICAns aren’t going to be on-board with these changes to our NATIONAL PASTIME… So I’m calling on every on to meet me at the Heinz Field parking lot before the Steelers home opener on Sept. 12th to tell Terrell Owens-in-Chief Obama that we say “No!” to his rule changes.# PLZ FWD: this to your 12 closest American football loving friends!!

Go Steelers, Go Iron City!

*This impostor could not provide official NFL press credentials upon request.

^Coaches are under no obligation to call these plays, and upon a showing of good cause, may exclude such plays in electronic copies of their playbook.

#These rule changes are scheduled to take effect in 2011 and do not apply to the playoffs.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

FWD: []: Re: Re: Regarding: DISGUSTING “GREEN” Jjobs Initiative

ATTN: The Obama Administration and those members of Congress have authorized, approved, and sanctioned the use of PRIVATE MONEY for the building of a public golf country club in honor of “Van” Jones, Obama’s former Special Advisor for Green Jobs and reputed snazzy dresser. The yet-to-be-built golf course, which will include a fully-stocked pro shop, driving range and putting green, is part of the SEVERANCE PACKAGE Jones received after resigning for the Obama Administration. A modest and possibly PRIVATE groundbreaking ceremony was held at the proposed northern Virginia site sometime between October 2009 and January 2010. Internet sources confirm that PGA Tour great Calvin Peete was in attendance while Tiger Woods failed to RSVP.

This Rees Jones (no relation) designed course has been described as “treacherous” by several golf commentators. According to someone I talked to on the phone at Rees Jones, Inc. Golf Course Design, the course received a course rating of 76.9.* This UNNAMED SOURCE was also polite enough to fax me a copy of the layout. It is a 7,400 yard par 70. The first hole is a 440 yard par 4. Bunkers line the fairway landing area. Two bunkers guard the front of the green. Number 2 is a 529 yard par 5. It is reachable in two setting up perhaps the only eagle opportunity on the course. Watch the front bunkers guarding the green. Number 3 is a 200 yard par 3. The green slopes back to front. Any balls landing on the left side of the green are likely to roll into the green side bunkers. The 4th is a 446 yard par 4 dogleg left. Players who get pull-happy off the tee may find themselves in one of the many bunkers on the left while a slice could land you in the trees on the right. Bunkers dot the area surrounding the green. Number 5 is a 490 yard par 4. A creek runs through the fairway some 300 yards from the tee. Aim for the center of the green as anything landing on the edges is going to roll off. Number 6 is a 387 yard par 4. A large bunker juts into the fairway making for a tight landing area for those taking driver off the tee. Beware the pot bunker off the front right of the green. Number 7 is a 449 yard par 4. A pond on the right and a row of bunkers on the left make this a difficult but necessary fairway to hit. The green is yet to be designed. Number 8 is a 491 yard par 4. This hole is fairly straightforward: tee it high and let it fly! The close of the front 9 is a devilishly long 257 yard par 3. Better to be short here than long.

There will be a modest snack bar at the turn offering hot dogs, candy bars, and several flavors of Gatorade.

A 462 yard par 4 starts the back 9 followed by a tight 423 yard par 4. Number 12 is the second of two par 5s. Again, bunkers on the left and trees on the right put hitting the fairway at a premium. 593 yards in length a deep bunkers sitting in the front the green making going for two here almost impossible for anyone not named Tiger Woods. Number 13 is a 191 yard par 3. The green is completely surrounded by bunkers and a mound on the right forces any balls landing in that area off the green. 14 is a 501 yard par 4. Length is the challenge on this hole. Number 15 is a 401 yard par 4. There are two bunkers smack dead in the center of the fairway forcing most players to lay up. Number 16 is a 406 yard par 4. A large water hazard comes into play on both the drive and the approach. But overcompensating will get you in trouble as trees line the left-hand side of the fairway and bunkers sit to the right of the green. The 17th is a 238 yard par 3. The huge green slopes front to back. A three putt here is a definitely possibility. And finally, there’s the 18th. This one is “THE BEAST.” To call it the “pièce de résistance” would be wicked. It’s a 498 yard par 4 dogleg right. There are bunkers everywhere and trees on the right that keep you from cutting the corner off the tee. Par here is a tremendous way to end your round.

The 19th hole (we’ve all been there, right!?) will include a tremendous bar and grille. There will be 14 beers on tap, numerous imported and domestic bottles, fine wines, and all manner of burgers to eat. Many delicious salads, including a caesar salad with grilled chicken, will also be available for your dining pleasure.

The course is scheduled for completion SOMETIME IN 2011!!...

“Van” Jones is neither an investor nor will his name be in any way associated with the course. There is no word yet on whether Jones plans on becoming a member nor have I been able to confirm whether Mr. Jones even ENJOYS the pleasures of A GOOD WALK SPOILED!

-The Ball Striker

“My family is my love but golf is my passion!”

-Arnold “Arnie’s Army” Palmer

*Rating contingent upon completion of course construction.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Fwd: FWD: Fw: Re: Fwd: [NO TRESPASSING] The False Prophet

We all know that “Fresh Prince” Obama, Esq., is in love with himself – but now EVEN HE has outdone himself!! Two POORLY PAID, OFF THE BOOKS INTERNS in our MAGINALLY SUCCESSFUL Investigative Journalism Department, whose identities we are not at liberty to disclose at this time, have exposed documents which ARGUABLY OBLIQUELY COMPARE OBAMA TO A (CHRISTIAN) SAINT!!! The implication is PAINFULLY OBVIOUS – Obama considers himself to be a saint, and therefore has instructed the PENTAGON and the SUPREME COURT to take all formal steps necessary for him to SUBMIT AN ELECTRONIC APPLICATION FOR FAST-TRACK BEATIFICATION!! NOT SURPRISINGLY, Pope Benedict’s BEMUSED press secretary has informed us via internal Skype mega-conference that he is not aware of any such application, and that no such process is currently available.

Of course, “Saint” Obama has submitted his application (via certified mail) in order to pad his already ENORMOUS EGO.* But his ultimate motives are ultimately EXCLUSIVELY FINANCIAL. Judging by recent experience, a successful application for accelerated sainthood would entitle him to a modest stipend, a Ph.D. in Strategic Marketing from the University of Phoenix (with a concentration in Inventory Process Control), a commercial drivers’ license (CDL), and a LIFE-TIME FINDERS’ FEE!!! This would be the most blatant violation of the SEPARATION OF POWERS since the DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE!!!

This process, the details of which have yet to be fully hammered out, is likely to begin next November, so as not to interfere with the White House’s Halloween preparations. Encrypted transmissions unlawfully intercepted by our largely unsuccessful Communications Security Department indicate that John Lennon-in-Chief Obama plans to appear as Nicky Santoro (Joe Pesci’s character in Casino). And according to our WILDLY unsuccessful Procedural Controls Department, this can ONLY mean Yoko-in-Chief Michelle will be dressing as Ginger McKenna (Sharon Stone's character in Casino).** This gives us plenty of time to organize a modest and well-mannered GATHERING to PREVENT THIS OUTRAGE. CHECK BACK OFTEN to participate in our upcoming REFRESHMENT REFERENDUM!!!***

*Obama’s check for the $45 sainthood application fee has yet to clear.

**No word yet on who will dress as Billy Sherbert (Don Rickles' character in Casino), but, if you'll allow me to speculate for a sec, my guess is 27-term Congressman from Michigan John Dingell.

***Corona has emerged as the early favorite for the beer selection.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010


TEJAS food lovers UNITE! Self-anointed 3-Michelin Star chef-in-chief Obama wants to issue a semi-formal proclamation REDEFINING TEX-MEX cuisine. It was the Oxford English Dictionary that first defined Tex-Mex cuisine in 1963 as, “foods from South Texas that incorporate a ton of cheese, healthy helpings of beans, and spices to taste.” Now Obama wants to literally piss on this great Tex-Mex tradition. If Obama gets his way, he will remove ANY and ALL references to Tex-Mex cuisine in cookbooks, guidebooks, rest-stop signage etc.

"Prince" Obama plans to issue this hypo-formal proclamation during a culinary presentation and demonstration at Celebrate Texas Week. This is known to Texans all over as the week we come together to eat, drink, and bask in the glory of our SUN BELT PARADISE. The proclamation makes mention of the "rich culinary tradition representing the many cultures of Texas." This is some classic multi-cultural bullspit so allow me to translate - O'beaner is planning to remove any and all Texas from what we've come to know and love as Tex-Mex. This will leave us with nothin' but Mexican "food."* Tex-Mex isn't about slow-cooked moles and dynamic flavor profiles. It's about men challenging each other to eat peppers so hot they could cause INTENSE DISCOMFORT to the eyes, ears, nose, and throat.

Though this is a certifiable NATIONAL TRAGEDY on the level of the XYZ AFFAIR, I do have some good news to report. We are planning a shadow presentation to coincide with Obama's issuing of this total miscarriage of food justice he's calling a "proclamation." I am 98% certain ZZ TOP (!!!) will be headlining our shadow presentation.** They are scheduled to perform both Tres Hombres and Tejas in their entirety, plus do an encore set of hits like "Sleeping Bag," "TV Dinners," and "Pearl Necklace."

Please do your civic duty and write him a letter, affix the stamp to the envelope with a droplet of BBQ SAUCE, address it to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. (cross streets are E. Executive Way and W. Executive Way), and mail the letter from a TEXAS (or TEXAS-SIZED) United States Post Office.

-Tommy Tejas, The Boarder Patrolman

*I contacted BBQ'd Gut Meats in San Antonio and Succulent Pork Cravers in Rio Grande for comment. Both head chefs declined to comment other than to say they were not aware of the proclamation.

**Repeated calls to ZZ Top's booking agent were not answered. Warner Bros. Records was polite enough to inform me that The Top was no longer with their label and that they did not have any forwarding info for them. I did, however, obtain what I believe to be Frank Beard's e-mail address ( I am awaiting a response. We intend to take prompt legal action against them shall they fail to appear.

Friday, July 30, 2010

The Pen is Truly COSTLIER than the Sword!!!

Ayatollah Von Obama is at it again...

Unbeknownst to Congress, the Supreme Court, or local law enforcement agencies, President Obama has just accepted an out of court settlement approving a new “SECRET STIMULUS” (H.R. Bill 2159) to be duly enacted through State & Local legislatures.. All documents relating to the settlement are classified, so no documentation of any kind will be available to the general public for some time. But if he thinks he can fool WE THE PEOPLE, well, he’s got another thing coming!!!

Remember the BRIDGE TO NOWHERE & THE INVISIBLE ZOO in Obama’s last stimulus??? Well this one’s EVEN WORSE! The new law authorizes the creation of a new Federal agency called the OFFICE OF THE INTERIOR to submit a purchase order for A COLLECTOR’S EDITION QUILL PEN!! COMRADE SHEIK OBAMA will likely use this pen to sign UNDESIRABLE LEGISLATION & to pen personal correspondence. WORSE STILL – leaked micro-reports indicate that HUSSEIN OBAMA plans to use the pen to CENSOR PRIVATE CITIZENS’ MAIL!!! Yes folks, you read that right… Obama will use this Pen to follow through with his campaign promise to EDIT OUR LETTERS for spelling, grammar, & style.. It is not clear at this time whether the pen will have ELECTRONIC CAPABILITIES OR any other extraordinary features.

And who has he appointed to run this new AGENCY-TO-NOWHERE??? Yup, who else!!? WARREN MOON. It’ll be just like before - only instead of flicking FIRST DOWNS & INTs to Ernest Givins & Haywood Jeffires, he’ll be SUBMITTING AN ORDER FOR THE PURCHASE OF A QUILL PEN.

How much is this whole boondoggle going to COST?? The administration REFUSES to provide any receipts, account numbers, passwords, OR any other documentation relating to the purchase, & NO OFFICIAL SCORING of the bill is currently available on the CBO website. BUT YOU DO THE MATH. The costs will include the purchase price of the pen, the cost of any related investigative journalism, & the cost of REWRITING THE ENTIRE TAX CODE!!!

And who’s going to pay THE BILL for all this??? WE THE TAXPAYERS. Obama thinks he CAN TREAD ON US & WRITE ALL OVER US. WE THE PEOPLE need to get out the vote this November to DEFEAT THIS BILL!!!!!