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Friday, February 18, 2011

FWD: [DO-NUT News Digest vol. 123.34] re: re: er: AMERICA RUNS [ON] DUNKIN’

Buried in Time-to-Make-the- Donuts-in-Chief Obama’s State of the Union address was his grand plan to NATIONALIZE our beloved AMERICAN institution DUNKIN’ DONUTS as a means of getting into the donut business!!!! The WHITE HOUSE plans to seize DD from Bain Capital, The Carlyle Group, and Thomas H. Lee Partners through a hostile takeover. Though initial reports indicate that bearer bonds may be exchanged, this is likely a rumor started by the Huffington Post. Speculations are running rampant on “The Hill,” but my guy (Bobby V. from Bobby Vee Fences and Wood , the guy who built my deck? His brother works at ABC-TV, Dallas.) tells me some CongressWoman, who ENJOY’s her job, dreamed the whole thing up on a dare.

The idea of a state-owned Dunkin’ is morally reprehensible, and not to mention a logistical and gastronomical nightmare. Can you imagine the ramifications?…!? My preliminary speculations have led me to believe that the DD menu will include sweeping changes that will include the removal of all donuts, bagels, muffins, and sausage patties that are over 1100 calories; the removal of all iced lattes with WHIPPED topping; the DRASTIC and HEAVILY INCREASED separation of all DD/Baskins’ and Robbins’ combos; and the replacement of all preformed egg patties with fresh, free-range eggs that are cracked to order and prepared to your specifications* AND personal eccentricities. Moving beyond my preliminary speculations, it has also been confirmed** that a new addition will be added to the regular DD value menu: the #13 – a plain stick with a medium “fair trade” coffee with soy milk and no sugar. There is no word yet on the future of Munchkins, though I hope to christ they remain the preferred treat of elementary school in-class parties.

If there is a silver lining to this whole thing, DD will now carry Muscle Milk.
I’m now convinced this tyranny of TYRANTS will never end! PLZ PSS THS ON!!!

-Two Creams, Three Sugars!

*Eggs or whites (which will be available at no extra cost) can be prepared scrambled, over easy, sunny side up, BUT NOT POACHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!$@##!!!!

**I have this part on good authority. I confirmed this with two credible sources. This has been confirmed by both the now deceased Michael Vale and the guy who works the counter at my local DD who I think is named Paneer.

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