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Friday, August 6, 2010

Fwd: FWD: Fw: Re: Fwd: [NO TRESPASSING] The False Prophet

We all know that “Fresh Prince” Obama, Esq., is in love with himself – but now EVEN HE has outdone himself!! Two POORLY PAID, OFF THE BOOKS INTERNS in our MAGINALLY SUCCESSFUL Investigative Journalism Department, whose identities we are not at liberty to disclose at this time, have exposed documents which ARGUABLY OBLIQUELY COMPARE OBAMA TO A (CHRISTIAN) SAINT!!! The implication is PAINFULLY OBVIOUS – Obama considers himself to be a saint, and therefore has instructed the PENTAGON and the SUPREME COURT to take all formal steps necessary for him to SUBMIT AN ELECTRONIC APPLICATION FOR FAST-TRACK BEATIFICATION!! NOT SURPRISINGLY, Pope Benedict’s BEMUSED press secretary has informed us via internal Skype mega-conference that he is not aware of any such application, and that no such process is currently available.

Of course, “Saint” Obama has submitted his application (via certified mail) in order to pad his already ENORMOUS EGO.* But his ultimate motives are ultimately EXCLUSIVELY FINANCIAL. Judging by recent experience, a successful application for accelerated sainthood would entitle him to a modest stipend, a Ph.D. in Strategic Marketing from the University of Phoenix (with a concentration in Inventory Process Control), a commercial drivers’ license (CDL), and a LIFE-TIME FINDERS’ FEE!!! This would be the most blatant violation of the SEPARATION OF POWERS since the DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE!!!

This process, the details of which have yet to be fully hammered out, is likely to begin next November, so as not to interfere with the White House’s Halloween preparations. Encrypted transmissions unlawfully intercepted by our largely unsuccessful Communications Security Department indicate that John Lennon-in-Chief Obama plans to appear as Nicky Santoro (Joe Pesci’s character in Casino). And according to our WILDLY unsuccessful Procedural Controls Department, this can ONLY mean Yoko-in-Chief Michelle will be dressing as Ginger McKenna (Sharon Stone's character in Casino).** This gives us plenty of time to organize a modest and well-mannered GATHERING to PREVENT THIS OUTRAGE. CHECK BACK OFTEN to participate in our upcoming REFRESHMENT REFERENDUM!!!***

*Obama’s check for the $45 sainthood application fee has yet to clear.

**No word yet on who will dress as Billy Sherbert (Don Rickles' character in Casino), but, if you'll allow me to speculate for a sec, my guess is 27-term Congressman from Michigan John Dingell.

***Corona has emerged as the early favorite for the beer selection.

1 comment:

  1. Dingell (with a capitol "(D)em") would make a great choice to play Billy Sherbert!