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Friday, May 28, 2010


Listen up, folks! It is my sworn & sacred duty as an American citizen to warn you about the MOST EGREGIOUS MISUSE OF PUBLIC FUNDS in the history of the Republic. Accused SOCIALIST & temporary Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, is using your HARD-EARNED DOLLARS to mount a cross-country victory tour of our United States, which is tentatively titled, “Here’s To The Victory of Maoist Medicine: The Pelosi Victory Tour” (hereinafter, the Tour [emphasis mine]) DC Madame Pelosi has chosen to spit on & disgrace our Air Force, military, & men-in-uniform by flying commercial as opposed to using the C-20B or C-37A the Air Force typically provides for her. This is in Swift & Cogent violation of an order issued by President George W. Bush requiring the Speaker of the House be afforded secure government transportation on military aircraft when traveling on official business & personal errands is the most vicious insult to the heroes who died on September 11th, 2001 since the Attacks of 9-11!

Unsubstantiated internet rumors indicate that it is CONFIRMED that Madame Pelosi will fly JetBlue business class from Washington, D.C. to Oakland (a mere 9 miles or so from the Berkeley campus) , check two (2) bags, watch up to two (2) in-flight movies, & enjoy one (1) complimentary non-alcoholic beverage.* Upon her arrival, she will be greeted by the most elite & lavish high-school marching band the Bay Area has to offer – the Foothill High School marching band, the Northern California Band Association WinterGuard Classic champions for 2010. WORST OF ALL, the flight is NON-STOP and, according to flight plans, is scheduled to “briefly enter CANADIAN airspace [!]” (emphasis mine) EVEN WORSE, it’s avoiding any & all parts of REAL AMERICA or, to use an insult this woman herself coined, the “fly-over states.”

As bad as this Tour sounds, the potential impact it will have on our Federal deficit is THE WORST PART. According to the DEMOCRAT-controlled CBO, the Tour will increase the FY2010 Federal deficit by over 50%!!!!** There’s also little question that Madame Speaker & the Dems she holds in her PAID-OFF POCKETS will raise taxes to pay for future “tours.” Soon, every warm-blooded Dem will be flying NON-STOP constantly & without due cause!

WORSE STILL, Madame Speaker plans on capping off her Tour by RANSACKING THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT. Simple COMMON SENSE indicates that she will decline to leave the Monument by the end of normal visiting hours, & MOVE INTO THE MONUMENT’S PENTHOUSE, PERMANENTLY!!! …. Obviously, there is no question that she will use tax dollars to commission NASA to construct and install a high-powered telescope in the Monument Penthouse. This Space Telescope will be based on Hubble Space Telescope technology and will offer her unreasonable views of contiguous United States. This will almost certainly result in her personally trampling portions of our 1st and ALL of our 2nd Amendment rights! (emphasis in the original)

Though numerous internet searches failed to turn up any references to the Tour, THE TOUR WILL GO ON! This is, of course, contingent on Madame Pelosi changing her usual plans and method of travel back to her home district.***

-The “Night” Watchman

* According to a recent search, fares are a NEGLIGIBLE 10-15% lower for Oakland International (IATA code “OAK”) flights than for San Francisco International (IATA code “SFO”) flights.

** This estimate is subject to revision once credible CBO projections become available.

*** After an exhaustive search, we have found NO credible records of any kind to corroborate this account.

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